Author’s
Note: I wanted to write a story about a girl and a guy who are best friends,
but the guy isn’t interested in the girl. Originally, I was going to have it be
two students in show choir, but in order to break from my young adult fiction
mentality, I made them teachers. As I
began writing this, I wasn’t sure if the actual heart of the story was the show
choir teacher being nostalgic about being in high school or feeling like gave
up on a dream of hers. I’m not entirely
sure if they both work or if there is too much going on in the story. I also feel like I need to add more
information about some of the students.
I was afraid that I was going to do too many characters like I did in my
first story and I didn’t want it to get too confusing. I didn’t get to put as much information in
about her relationship with the students because at a certain point I couldn’t
tell if I was trying to do too many things with this story. That is why I only
named two students and I didn’t name the other teachers. I also need to know if the information about
show choir was confusing at all or if there’s anything I need to explain
more. I kept flipping scenes around and
cutting scenes out, so let me know if there’s a detail that I forgot to add
back in. I also took a shot with 3rd
person again and it felt a lot easier to write in for this story. I want to flesh out more scenes in this
story, but I honestly ran out of time to do everything I wanted. I know it just kind of ends in a weird place,
but I couldn’t decide where I wanted the rejection to happen, but I wanted her
to get that taste of victory in the end.
I was thinking of possibly flashing back to a scene like I hinted to in
the first paragraph that had to do with a guy that was in show choir with her
in high school to foreshadow it, but I didn’t want to give it away completely. I also felt like there needed to be another scene where you get to see Annie and Will together and make it seem like he is interested in her. I was possibly thinking about mirroring Kara and David's relationship with Annie and Will's.
Redemption
It
was competition day. The air inside was hot and sticky from curling irons and
ultra-strength hairspray. Outside it was
cold and there was a risk of snow that day. The kids were excited because they
did not get snow in Pearl Beach, Florida.
The smell of burning hair had caused nausea to start blooming in Annie’s
stomach. It was not the foulness of the
odor, but the memories that would permanently be burned in her mind that caused
this. There was always a light
adrenaline that flowed through her veins every competition day. It stemmed from her own previous bouts on
stage in high school, to the excitement she felt around whatever male show
choir member that year, and the mystery of who was going to take how the Grand
Champion trophy that day. Annie had
worked since the summer creating every piece of the show, although the kids had
only started practicing in October. She
decided that she would do a show about colors because she had seen these
beautiful rainbow dresses that were covered in sequins and had beaded tassels
that hung off the bottom. Yes, they
were ugly when you looked at them up close and the green patch fell right
across the belly, so even the tiniest girls looked like they had a pudgy
stomach, but they would catch people’s eyes on stage and that’s what
mattered.
Every
show choir was assigned a few rooms depending on how many they needed. Annie had decided that they would need two,
one for the girls and one for the boys.
This would at least keep some decency between the two groups, even
though they had to change in front of each other backstage. The boys had gotten
so bad at staring at the girls changing backstage that she had asked Will, the
English teacher at Pearl Beach, to come and ream their asses out. She took the
girls into the connecting auditorium to practice the girls’ number and the boys
stayed in the choir room with Will. They
hadn’t had a problem with it ever since and she never questioned what happened.
Once they reached their homerooms, Annie went
into her typical competition speech,
“We
have warm ups at 3:30 today, so we need to be dressed, make up done, hair done,
deodorant on, boys, by 3 o’clock. That gives you four hours to watch other
choirs and to eat. Please eat as early and eat as soon as you can. I need you to have energy, but not feel like
you’re going to throw up on stage. We go first in today in our division,” she
paused for the groans from the students, “I know. It sucks, but if we get into
finals, maybe we will go last. As I have
told y’all, first isn’t always the worst.
We had a strong show and if we can give it our best and sock it to the
judges, they will remember us by the time the rest of the choirs go. Kara and David, we need to practice your
solos before warm ups, so meet me back here at 2:30. Y’all be respectful to
people in other choirs, we want to keep the good reputation we have. Plus they have the most courteous choir award
that we won last year and that means a lot.
Go have fun, luh you, bye.”
“Luh
you, bye,” the students echoed back chuckling.
Whenever they would all separate she would say that, thanks to one of
the boys in her class that would always say that to her when he left her class.
It had stuck so she used it.
The
kids broke into their separate groups, some running to the auditorium to get in
to see the next choir, some girls went with their mothers to get started on
their hair, and the group of larger guys went to see what the host school had
to eat. Annie fought down the urge to go
running with the other students to watch a show choir perform. She missed being able to be young and
enthusiastic about show choir. She could
still go and watch, but it wasn’t the same when you would compare yourself to
the other choirs and get motivated from watching others do well. She turned to
Will and asked,
“Do
you want to go watch the other choirs? The small mixed groups are going on
right now and they typically always pick one of them to be in finals,”
“Sure,
we need to check out the competition,” he said grinning. That damn grin, she thought. Annie hated how much he made her like him
with the smallest things he did. They
were both the youngest teachers at Pearl Beach High and had become friends
through that. They had both graduated at
the top of their class in college and got jobs that did not typically go to
younger graduates. Will was already
working with the advanced English students and Annie was running the choir
department by herself. Needless to say, the other teachers in the arts
departments looked down on them.
Annie
walked into the cafeteria on the first day of school and felt that familiar
pang of anxiety, similar to the one she felt after moving to a new school in
sixth grade. She clutched her bagged
lunch, longing for the ones that her mom used to pack to offer some sense of
comfort. She walked over to the two
teachers’ tables in the center of the cafeteria. One of the tables was almost completely full
and the other was empty.
“Is
it okay if I sit here?” she asked the teacher with the only empty spot left
next to her.
“Sorry,
no. I’m saving it for Mrs. Davis,” she responded curtly.
“Oh.
Okay,” she blushed and walked over to the empty table. She heard sudden laughter behind her and made
her look down at her clothes to make sure there wasn’t anything on them. Nothing. She pulled out her phone and turned
on the front camera to check her teeth for signs of green. Nothing. She pulled the contents of her lunch out and
laid them in front of her. She opened
the Ziploc with her sandwich inside and took a weak bite. She felt a tap on her shoulder. She thought,
oh God, what now? She turned slowly to see if it was that other teacher about
to tell her she needed to move because she was somehow saving a seat for
another person at this table. But it
wasn’t her. It was a him.
“Hi,
do you mind if I sit here?” he motioned to the seat next to her. He looked like the beach. And oh God, did
Annie love the beach. Annie could have taken a picture of the water this
morning on her morning run and matched it to his eyes. His hair wasn’t like the white sand at the
beach there, but more of a golden color she imagined you would see in
Hawaii. His smile was smooth and white
like a perfect seashell that you had been searching for all day. She hadn’t realized she had been staring
until he said,
“Umm,
hello?”
“Oh.
Sorry. Umm yeah, sure.” She moved shifted the contents of her lunch on the
table, even though they were nowhere near being in his way.
“Thanks. I was worried you were going to say no.” She smiled and shook her head trying to think
of a clever response to no avail.
“I’m
Will. I teach AP English. I’m new this year.”
Okay, name, position, that’s easy enough, she thought.
“A-Annie.
Umm, I’m Annie and I’m the new show choir director.”
“Awesome!
I didn’t know there was a show choir here. I did show choir in high school.”
“Where’d
you go to high school?” she asked and mentally pat herself on the back for
asking a good question.
“Tupelo
High School.”
“No
way, I went to Auburn High School. We competed against y’all in Homewood. What
year did you graduate?”
“2008,
wait. What year did you graduate?”
“2009.”
“What
a small world.” They started sitting
together at lunch every day and would reminisce about show choir and
college. He had gone to Mississippi
State and she had gone to Auburn, which led them to talk about football and how
lame the rest of the conferences besides the SEC are.
“Do
you think you might want to help me with our show?” she asked one day at
lunch. His eyes widened in excitement
and he said,
“My
dear, I thought you’d never ask. I actually have Word documents on my computer
filled of show ideas. It was my way of
coping with show choir withdrawal.”
“You
choose Word documents and I make it my career. I can’t decide whose withdrawal
was worse.” They started spending every
moment planning the show and arranging the music. Will started coming to the
after-school practices and would work with the guys singing parts, while Annie
worked with the girls. So it made
perfect sense that he would go to the competitions with them.
Annie
and Will walked into the auditorium and squeezed in where they could find
seats. They watched several choirs
perform, one had a theme about dreams, which was oddly similar to a show she
did in high school.
“You
know, people used to have to drag me in here to watch other choirs perform,
because I would be so nervous about our show that it would get in my head,” he
said.
“Wow,
really? I used to watch other choirs and critique the hell out of them. I’d notice the tiniest mistakes and I used to
cringe if they were slightly off key. People said I should have been a judge
one day.”
“Hmm,
I could see that.”
“It’s
almost 2:30, we need to go meet Kara and David after this performance.”
Annie
remembered the solo she had junior year in high school. In years before, she
had suffered falling into the background with the other girls when they all had
to try out in front of the whole class. The nerves would shake her voice and
mess with her pitch, but not that year.
As soon as her choir teacher, Mr. Davis, had announced what song was
going to be the ballad that year, The Scientist by Coldplay, she went home
after school and practiced every day until audition day. She practiced in front of her parents and her
brothers until she felt good enough to sing in front of the choir. Her dad asked,
“Why
are you getting so nervous to sing in front of people who hear you sing every
day?”
“Because,
Daddy,” she answered, “I’m singing alone this time.” She had something to prove
to the rest of the soprano section.
Annie knew she could sing, but she wanted to make sure that everyone
else in that choir knew it. She could sing
well in a choir or by herself. She was
never cocky though, she tried very hard not to be. When her parents told people she was in choir
they always would ask her if she could sing well. She’d awkwardly shrug and say,
“People
have told me I’m pretty good, but I don’t know.” She needed that affirmation more than
anything in her life. Before their last
performance, she had to remind herself of all of the good things that would
happen if she did perfectly. She’d get
the compliments from the other choirs, they would have a better chance of
winning, and she could possibly win the Best Soloist trophy. She never touched that trophy. She forgot to turn on her microphone before
she started singing, so no one heard her.
She sang it perfectly, but no one could hear her. They did not make finals and it was their
last competition. She looked back on
that night more than she should have, the color still rising to her face after
all this time.
“Okay
guys, let’s just run through it a couple of times. Will, if you will give us the accompaniment
two measures before Kara comes in, that would be great,” she said still not
being able to look at him without feeling an energy shoot through her body. Annie had selected the Coldplay song, Yellow,
for their ballad and had made the first verse into a female solo and the second
into a male solo. She had them singing it to each other and holding hands in
the middle, which, yes she realized was corny, but ballads were supposed to
evoke some feeling from the audience.
When
she had auditions for the solos, she decided to not put them through the
torture of having them in front of the entire class. The students who wanted to try out would stay
after school. There were three guys and fourteen girls who came to the audition. Will had agreed to come and help the guys
sing the male part, while Annie worked with the girls. They decided to show what they intended to
happen during the ballad to show everyone the chemistry that the two soloists
were supposed to have.
“Okay,
so the female soloist will sing the verse before the first chorus and grab the
male soloist’s hand during it,” she grabbed Will’s hand to illustrate, “Then
everyone will sing the chorus and you will turn towards each other to sing, but
keep your mics down because everyone is singing. Then on ‘you know I love you
so’ I want you get closer to each other and stare longingly into each other’s
eyes. Then the male soloist will sing
his part and then on the second chorus you will walk back to the center of the
stage while everyone does a dance break around you. And then you will both sing
the last verse together in a harmony and end positioned like this. We won’t try
this today, don’t worry.” Will took her and dipped her slowly backwards so that
her head was close to the ground. After
they finished about six of the girls looked over at the three guys and walked
out. But the other eight girls stayed
and as well as the three boys. They ran through the auditions and Annie chose
three girls out of the group to stay to try out with the other three boys. They mixed them up enough to have every
combination to see whose voices sounded the best together and who had the best
chemistry. When Kara stepped up to sing
with David and they looked in each other’s eyes, Annie knew they were the
ones. When they finished they both had
flushed cheeks and wouldn’t stop smiling.
After
practicing a few times it was 3 o’clock and it was time for them to get ready
to go on stage. Annie knew it was time
for her pep talk,
“Okay
guys, huddle up. No matter what happens out there, I am so proud of how hard
you have worked and the time you have committed to this. I know how much we want to make finals and
that’s okay. I just want you to go out
there and do your best and just have fun.”
The
show had gone off without a hitch. There were a few mistakes that needed to be
adjusted, but Annie had decided it couldn’t have gone any better. They got a standing ovation from the audience
and all of the chaperones came up and told them how well it went. They had two judges standing up and
applauding. Annie sent Kara and David up
to the stage for the awards ceremony, each school had to choose representatives
to go up. The presenters of the awards
from Homewood High School announced the finalists pausing for cheers in the
middle,
“4th
runner up is Opelika High School. 3rd runner up is Oak
Mountain. 2nd runner up is
Auburn High School. Grand champion of
pre-lims is,” Annie gripped Will’s hand so tight she knew it had to hurt him,
“Pearl Beach High School!” Screams
erupted from around them from all of the students. Annie grabbed Will’s face and kissed him.
Then let go and started jumping up and down with all of the kids beside her,
before she realized what she had done.
She told all of the kids to go start getting ready for finals and that
they would all meet to have a meeting before final warm ups.
“Annie,
can I talk to you for a second,” Will asked causing Annie to cringe.
“Yeah,
what’s up?”
“I
think I may have given you the wrong impression of what our relationship
is. I’m not interested in you
romantically and I’m sorry if I led you on to think that. I really want us to
be friends, though. You’re like my only
friend in Pearl Beach.” Annie gulped
back the vomit rising up and tried to come up with an excuse of her kissing
him.
“Oh.
I didn’t mean anything by that kiss. I’m sorry. I just got caught up in the
moment. I want us to stay friends too.
Umm, I’m going to run to the bathroom really quick, I’ll meet you at the
homeroom.” Tears had started stinging
the corners of her eyes and it all just started feeling like high school
again. She had to remind herself that
her kids had just won first place in prelims and she needed to go get them
pumped up for finals. This is what she
had been waiting for since butchering her solo senior year.
I think your story has a lot of potential. Your knowledge of show choir shows in a good way. Consider, actually, adding more details (and physical description in general) to make the story more vivid. You mention being unsure about the heart of your story—I think that’s the first thing you need to get clear about. I perceived three main strains: (1) Annie’s nostalgia for high school, (2) wanting to redeem herself after her failed solo, and (3) the love interest with Will. None of these seems to predominate, which makes the story feel unfocused right now. However, I think the middle one is most interesting, and it easily ties into Annie’s nostalgia (which seemed mainly about her show choir glory days). Annie’s desire to redeem herself appeared in the final line more than anywhere. However, the description of Kara and David after try-outs made them sound infatuation in a high-schoolish way. Consider following this high schoolish pattern and having them break up or fight at some point when it’s too late to replace either of them. This, then, is an obstacle in the way of Annie’s desire to redeem her high school self. You could produce other obstacles like this. Her ambition makes her, it seems, a really good show choir teacher, but what does it do to the kids? Do they care as much? Does it exhaust them? Is winning, in the end, really worth it? I think you can use the themes like this to focus your story. As far as Will goes, consider cutting him and the relationship. The relationship with Will seems to me as a reader far less interesting than Annie’s relationship with her past, which has little to do with Will.
ReplyDeleteCarrie, I think your story has tons of potential. I liked that you tapped into your own knowledge of show choir, but in some instances the detail is cluttering. For example when she is giving them a walk through of the duet, it's a large block of exposition in the form of dialogue and it doesn't do much.I do think though that if the focus of the story were more on her trying to redeem herself from her show choir experience, that could have more potential in showing her like obsession with it. I saw you also mentioned that an idea would be for her to be feeling nostalgic about high school. I don't think that works so well here because she/no one misses high school. Not really especially if she had all this early on success.
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely subject matter that I have never read about before, so that is exciting. I feel like I legitimately learned about what the world of show choir is like through some great details and communication of frantic moods and backstage shenanigans. That said, this story might qualify for what we have called in class “frontloading with exposition.” The story as a whole seems to have a lot of exposition, and some parts are on the line between exposition and narration of action. I thought that some of the conversations at the competition between Annie and Will felt like they were still very early in their friendship. Maybe they need more of a developed rapport in their speech by then. Sometimes, I thought that there was just so much constant intimation given in the third person into Annie’s mind that a switch to first person could be a good idea. You might not want to do this, but, I guess, just consider it because all of the meticulous detailing of Annie’s thoughts makes me want to just be in her perspective. Some of the transitions between the time period of the competition and the flashbacks were not clear. It could work well to develop characters in Kara and David, but, as they are, I know almost nothing about them. With some levels of depth added to the ending, and maybe some elongation, (both things you mention in your author’s note,) this story could really evolve into a cool exploration of adult love and nostalgia, enthusiasm, pedagogic/creative energy, loss of fascination, all that.
ReplyDeleteCarrie, I think you’ve captured all the emotions and physical sensations of a crush really well. Unfortunately that often lends to stories sounding a little like rom-coms, which happened here. I think there are a couple ways you could address this: one would be to add at least one more scene just between Will and Annie, where the reader can see the ambiguity in his actions towards her, but Annie doesn’t see it, which could lend itself to an unreliable narrator kind of aspect. Because as it is, Will’s behavior towards her could easily be interpreted as romantic, and the rejection at the end doesn’t have much precedent. Also, I’d make Will less perfect, or at least not so dashingly attractive. Make Annie’s crush on him reflect more of her own character, rather than just an adulation of his. I think it could also be interesting to consider an alternate path where they knew each other in high school, or knew of each other at least, so her determination to win could also be to show him she’s more than her high school mistake. I like the specific details you provided (the green on the rainbow sequin costumes “Luh you, bye;” the smell of burnt hair backstage). Your reader is most likely not familiar at all with show choir, so you can take an opportunity to really immerse them in that world through detail and thus show how much it means to Annie.
ReplyDeleteCarrie,
ReplyDeleteI think you have a really good set up here for a great story. I see a lot of improvement in this story from your last, especially with "telling," but it still comes off as young adult. I think this could be helped by focusing more on the two main characters, Will and Annie. They both seem a little flat right now. I wanted to see more of Annie's head, to know the different emotions she is feeling. I think you did a really nice job describing her crush on Will, but that seems to be all that we get to see of her. What about her home life, her family? Has she just come out of a serious relationship, or has she never dated someone before? I think it would help too, like Emma suggested, if you added more scenes of interactions between Will and Annie. Maybe she doesn't realize that his actions were trying to establish a friendship until after he tells her flat out.
I would also like to see more confidence in Annie. For a woman who is running the choir department all by herself, and who other faculty members look down on (I'm not sure why, by the way), I expected more of that. It might be interesting if you highlighted her insecurities only when she is around Will.
I think the third person works really well, I like how you used it. As for the heart of the story, I didn't see it as either nostalgia about high school or giving up on a dream. I saw it more about heartbreak. I think you could amp that up by making Annie and Will a little older. Maybe she is in her early thirties and is feeling like she would never meet someone, until Will comes along, only for that to be lost as well?
Carrie,
ReplyDeleteYou do a great job here of creating the world of show-choirs and giving us a great setting to work off of. You do a great job with creating a budding relationship with Will and Annie, and I think that would be a great pressure in the story to expand on. I wanted to see them interact a little more outside of choir so better understand Will. I too, would give him some less appealing qualities that she would be attracted to, to make it seem a little more realistic.
I think there are two main "hearts" that you can use and go either way. Annie clearly is nostalgic of high school and I think it is very human to have a longing for the things that you may have taken for granted. But simultaneously, it also seem to be a big focus on her feelings for Will. I think you should can both ways, but allow one narrative pressure to be the leader so that your story has a clearer direction of what you want your reader to leave with.
This story was fun and new to me and it did a great job in describing what this environment is like. Also Annie's character is great. The line, "He looked like the beach. And oh God, did Annie love the beach." Was one of the best lines in the story. You bend in this comedic story with the idea of re-living oneself though their past mistakes. These kind of story was written all the time but I think the way you wrote Annie is what makes it different also.
ReplyDeleteOne tink I want to critique is your use of setting. We jump from concert hall, to cafeteria, back to concert hall and finally back stage. This is fine but I don't know any distinction about what this place looks like. I've only been to a place like this once and so it is hard for me to picture what this could look like. In revision you could add a distinctive thing about the place and it doesn't have to be just visual. It could be smell or feel to it.
In regards to the ending. I'm glad they placed because if they didn't it would be like every competitive story recently and have them lose to learn to be humble. Having them place allows us to look at how Annie is going to feel about it. My only problem is that with the story you have written now, the story as a whole can't stand alone. A mild cliffhanger leaving the audience thinking is fine but you have set up to where there should be a conclusion other than just placing. If you take out Annie worrying about finals the way he does it might work but I don't know how you could end the story.
I like this story. It felt like a high school romance but between teachers rather than students and I really liked that idea. I never thought of my high school teachers getting together. i also think it's interesting that he wasn't into her because it seemed like he was up until the end. One thing I thought was that I wished the kiss happened earlier in the story, or at least that we had more story after the kiss. We don't see much about how this effected their relationship, if they were able to maintain a friendship, is she still in love with him? I kind of wanted to see that. I think you've got a good story!
ReplyDeleteWow. I liked your story. It's very well developed. The plot is good and I liked how it hung on that awkwardness at the end. I wish I saw some more of that awkwardness by extending that scene a little bit more. I also liked the character of Annie. She was well developed and her anxieties felt real. I do wish we saw some more of the students rather than mainly just hearing about them. Overall the story is very good and the final copy should be better.
ReplyDeleteOkay, as a University Singer, I enjoyed the hell out of this story. It really captures the feel of what it is like to be a part of the show choir experience. A director obtaining fulfillment through the students, imagery of hair spray and sequins, anxiety. You nail it. What I would suggest is fleshing out some of the students more. You can do that and still keep a strong focus on your thematic ideas. I totally understand that these first drafts are just about filling up the page, but now that you have that out of the way, its time to "spread the paint across the canvas" so to speak. More details, more of the students, more background regarding the conflicts. Once you expand out, you'll have a super awesome story. Good job.
ReplyDelete