I'll preface by saying I'm not crazy about this story. I rushed and crammed to get it done and I think that shows. It will be a long revising process. I'm afraid a lot of the action reads like exposition. I feel like the ending is cheese-balls. But I think my image of the character, Kyle is more clear now after this story than he was after my first. I was trying to show Kyle trying to adapt to Priceville life after giving up acting and struggling to do so. Have him still feel like an intellectual superior, but have it clear to the audience that he's kind of a loser and now kind of a creep too. I hope you guys like it more than I do. But please tear this one apart and let me know how it can be better.
https://www.pinterest.com/suwaneechad/kyle/
“After Work”
A “Kyle” Story
by Chad Oliver
When Savannah asked me if I wanted to go out with everyone after work, I told her I would think about it. This was the closest thing to a ‘yes’ anyone had gotten out of me during the thirteen years I had worked at Chicken King. Over the years, a lot of employees had come and gone and I had never gone to ‘hang out’ with them after work. I had never wanted to. But it had been three months since my last audition. I hadn’t been spending my time obsessively looking for acting work like I had been doing for the past fifteen years so I didn’t really know how to fill my spare time. I was bored. So I thought I might actually go.
It was closing time and I was about to do my favorite part of my job, the ‘outside sweep.’ I would take a broom and dustpan and sweep up the customers’ litter. It doesn’t sound that glamorous but it’s always been my favorite part of closing because it’s outside and away from everyone. When I’m out there sweeping up straw wrappers and cigarette butts, I don’t have to listen to impatient customers or bratty high school employees. The only sound I hear is the soft brushing of the bristles against the pavement of the parking lot. Occasionally, though, and I believe it happened that night, a car would pull up and the driver would roll down their window and ask me, “Are y’all open?” I would tell them no and they would get upset with me as if it was my decision. Aside from these annoying instances, sweeping the outside was always a peaceful time.
Only, this particular night, I wanted to get done with the outside sweep as quickly as possible. I didn’t enjoy my time alone. I didn’t want peace. I had enough alone time at home, I didn’t want it at work. I’d rather be inside listening to everyone’s bullshit. I swept up the parking lot rushed, and went back inside as soon as I could. When I did I hung up the broom and dustpan on the wall just inside the door. Around the rusty-grey kitchen corner, I heard Greg and Derek talking in the break room. I say break room, it was really a storage room with a table in the middle of stacks of boxes containing cups, lids, and straws. Derek was about my age and Greg was a snot-nosed high school senior. I heard Greg brag that he is, “probably going to Auburn in the Fall. I got scholarships at UAH, but I have got to get as far away from this town as I can.”
Derek said, “Yeah.”
Greg continued, “Plus, why settle for UAH when Auburn clearly has a better business school?”
Derek asked, “Will you be coming back and working during the summers?”
“Hell no,” Greg said. “If I’m still working here at age twenty please kill me, no offense.”
Derek was silent. That’s when I decided to stop eavesdropping and step into the break room, praying that Greg says something like that again so I can knock him out. “What’s up guys?” I said.
“Hey Kyle,” Greg said and Derek started to leave the room, “Hey Derek are you gonna hang out tonight?”
“Probably not,” Derek kept walking.
I said, “I might be.”
Greg acted confused, “You might be what?”
“Going out with you guys tonight,” I said. “Savannah asked me—”
“You don’t have another audition to go to?” Greg laughed. It was loud, obnoxious, and sounded fake.
“No.”
“Alright,” Greg said. “Well if you do come, leave me alone. I’m trynna get laid tonight.
“Yeah?” I said, “Maybe I’m trying to get laid too.”
Greg laughed again. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just don’t think that’s going to happen.”
“Why do you think you have a better chance than me? I’m an adult. You’re a high school student.”
Greg said, “Because it’s a small town, Kyle. Everyone knows who you are and I seriously doubt any girls at the bar are gonna want to sleep with the star of Goblin Mountain King.”
I took a step closer. “And I seriously doubt any girl at the bar is going to want to sleep with a freckle-faced, high school scumbag who can’t even grow a mustache. But that doesn’t stop you from trying, does it?” Greg reached up to feel his upper lip.
“Alright Kyle,” he said. “Next week is pay day, I’ll bet you my paycheck you can’t get a girl to go home with you.”
I shook his hand, “Game on.”
I went to clock out at the register and Savannah was waiting for me. “Are you coming with us?” She asked.
I punched in my sign in number, “Yes I am.”
“Awesome,” she was excited. “We’re going to have so much fun. They have a pool table and music—”
“Yeah, okay,” the register printed off my clock-out time on receipt paper so I grabbed it and rushed out the door. I didn’t mean to be rude but there was a lot I had to do.
After walking across the parking lot, which I had neglected to thoroughly sweep, I had arrived at my old, green Nissan and saw my limited edition X-men comic, which I had gotten framed before work, sitting in the passenger seat. I moved it to the glove compartment. I wasn’t going to let any girl see that in my car.
I had gotten to my apartment and realized a whole new set of problems. If I ever did get a girl to come home with me, she would be walking into a film-nerd museum. I started taking down my Star Wars posters, and peeling my Indiana Jones fathead off the walls. I had dirty dishes on the coffee table (including my chop sticks which light up like lightsabers), I snatched up an armful of dishes and threw them into the dishwasher, slamming the door shut behind.
The only thing I couldn’t take care of was my life size Han-Solo-frozen-in-carbonite replica. It was too big to hide anywhere. I decided I would just keep it up, pray that whatever girl I brought over had never seen the movie, and explain that it is a sculpture. Then she might be impressed with my artistic-ness.
I peeled off my greasy Chicken King uniform and threw it in my closet. I pulled back stacks of Star Wars and comic book graphic t-shirts until I found a Motörhead shirt at the bottom of the stack. Motörhead is cool, but the shirt was a little small now. I put it on anyways along with my seldom-worn jeans, and black New Balance sneakers. I was ready to find me some ladies.
I pulled into the parking lot of “The Nook,” where Greg, Savannah, and Holly were all waiting for me outside of Greg’s oversized pickup truck. This asshole had put his confederate flag back up (also oversized). I got out of my car and walked up to everyone else and I felt nervous. I’m not sure why. I didn’t care what these people thought of me. And I certainly wasn’t worried about my abilities to pick up a Priceville, Alabama girl. But still there was something in my gut that felt like I was next in line at a roller coaster.
When I got closer, I realized that I was the only one who had gone home to change. Everyone else just took off their name tags, untucked their shirts, and the girls let down their hair. Greg said, “Lookin’ good, Kyle.” He laughed.
“Greg,” Savannah shot him a glare. “I think you look good, Kyle. Very cool.”
“Thanks,” I said. “Are we waiting on anyone else?”
“Nope,” Holly said. “Just you.”
Savannah said, “Let’s go in.”
We walked up to the entrance where a bouncer was checking our ID’s. Holly was 21, so they let her in. Greg had a fake. It was pretty obvious, but they let him in too. Savannah said, “That won’t be necessary. Go ahead and mark my hand. I won’t be drinking tonight. I’m a Christian. I don’t drink.” It sounded like she was performing for somebody.
“Sweetie,” the bouncer said. “I don’t really care, I still need to see your ID. It’s my job.” She showed it to him and he sloppily marked her hand with his sharpie.
It was my turn and I had my ID ready. He just said, “Go on in.” I did.
The bar was a dump. I didn’t see anybody smoking, but there was a haze in the room. All the chairs had cushions that were peeling off the seat. Most of the tables had names carved into them. Savannah, Holly, and Greg flocked to the dusty and clunky pool table. Savannah put in her quarter and the balls clunked down the chute. “Wanna play teams?” Savannah asked.
Greg said, “I’ll kick your ass.” He chalked up the end of his pool stick, but I could tell he didn’t know what he was accomplishing.
“I think I’m good,” I said. “I’m going to get a drink.”
I walked up to the bar and ordered some cheap IPA. It wasn’t good but this place didn’t have anything particularly good on tap. Nothing like the bars in Atlanta or LA. I took a sip and turned around in my stool. I scanned the room looking for a pretty woman.
I saw a girl, probably a couple years younger than me, dark and attractive, sitting by herself in a big leather chair in the corner of the bar close to the pool table. She was reading a book and sipping on some fruity drink. She’ll do, I thought. So I walked over to her.
“Is anyone sitting here?” I asked. Gesturing to the leather chair matching hers.
She looked up from her book, smiled, and went back to reading.
I sat down. It was awkward at first. I didn’t know what to say so I just pursed my lips and drummed on the arms of the chair with my hands. “So have you heard about ISIS?”
She put down her book on the table that was between our chairs, “I don’t understand.”
“ISIS,” I said. “It’s some pretty messed up stuff. It’s this group in the Middle East—”
“No,” she said. She snapped her fingers, thinking of the right words. She picked up the book she had been reading and opened it in front of me. I didn’t recognize any of the words except mañana and sí. It was in Spanish.
“You speak Spanish?”
“Sí,” she said and started reading again.
“So you don’t know any English at all?”
She put down the book again and said, “Only a little bit.” She pointed to her book, smiled, and started to read again.
I remember thinking that this actually might be my best chance at getting a woman home with me. I didn’t have to worry about saying anything stupid and she probably hasn’t seen me in Goblin Mountain King because that was in English. All I had to do was turn on some physical charm.
I looked over at her and I could tell she knew I was watching her despite the fact that she didn’t look up from her book. Perhaps I was coming off as a little creepy. In fact, in hindsight, I cringe at the thought of the entire encounter, but you have to remember that I had spent the last fifteen years finding auditions, going to improv classes, watching film after film after film, spending every moment of my life when I wasn’t making chicken pursuing a career in acting. I never even considered asking a girl out on a date until this particular night. I remember thinking at the time that I needed to find some physical characteristic of hers to complement: her eyes, her hair, maybe her clothes. It was then that I noticed her necklace. It was gold and it hung down to the top of her low cut blouse. On it, was the Superman “S.”
I grabbed it to get a closer look and make sure I was seeing it right. “You like Superman?”
“Yes,” she said. “Mi son likes.”
“Oh, you have a son?” I didn’t expect that. I asked, “How old is he?” She looked confused so I tried to muster up some Spanish from high school. “Cuantos años?” I asked.
“Ocho,” she held up eight fingers.
“Do you have any pictures?” I drew a rectangle with my fingers in the air and was amazed she knew what I was talking about. She smiled, put down her book and pulled out her purse. She thumbed through a few pictures and pulled one out of a chubby little boy, she said something in Spanish that I could not understand but they seemed to be words of admiration. “Where is he tonight?” I asked. I could tell she didn’t understand so I had to go back into the depths of my brain to search for the Spanish words, “Donde esta el es?” I asked, sure that I messed something up.
Her smile faded. She said another sentence in Spanish. I didn’t understand a word of it except “Padre.” She didn’t have a ring on her finger. I could tell this was a sad topic for her so I tried to change the subject. I knew the word “bonita” meant beautiful so I thought that I would tell her she had “bonita” hair but Greg walked over and interrupted. In hindsight, he probably actually rescued me from embarrassment, but that was not his goal.
“Hey Kyle,” he turned toward the girl, “Hola señorita, como te llama?” It was then that I realized I didn’t know her name.
“What are you doing?” I said to him.
“I’m just introducing myself to your friend here,” he turned to her, “Como te llama?”
“Carla.”
“Hola, Carla,” he said. “Um, would you like to play pool, um billiards with us?”
She smiled, nodded, and put down her book. She gestured for me to come with them. I did. Before I got to the pool table, Greg stopped me, “I told you, I’m going to kick your ass.” This immature idiot actually thought he could ruin my chances with Carla by beating me at pool. I remember thinking he was crazy, right? Right?
The game went about like you would expect. Greg was trying to show off the whole time and he was actually pretty good. I sucked. But Carla was having fun. She laughed every time I did something clumsy and clapped when Greg did something impressive. I was a little more competitive back then so when Greg would sink one, I would get upset. Carla comforted me with a hand on my back when this happened. Savannah and Holly looked annoyed at the attention Carla was getting. Holly left early. Savannah stayed but she kept trying to talk to me and Greg about Jesus and how we shouldn’t be drinking as much as we were. I only had a couple beers, but during the game, Greg kept throwing them back. I think he was trying to impress Carla.
I could tell Carla was wanting to leave. I had to make my move fast. “Hey,” I said. “Can I give you a ride home?” I charaded the motion of driving a car. She shook her head. I grabbed her arm, looked in her eyes, “Come on, let me take you home.” Again, looking back at this, I cringe.
She pulled away and brushed her hair behind her ear, revealing a neck tattoo of a crucifix. Not a cross. An entire crucifix. It had Jesus hanging on it and everything. She said, “No.”
“At least give me your phone number,” I said. “Telephono? I’ve had fun with you. I want to see you again.” I tried my best to use my hands to communicate this.
She said, “Okay.” And she started to write it down on a napkin. Surely, I thought, a phone number would be close enough for my bet with Greg.
On cue, Greg showed up and he had out his smart phone. “Hey Carla,” he said. “Did you know Kyle was an actor?” He was drunk.
He had, pulled up on his phone, a clip from Goblin Mountain King. It is arguably one of the most cringe-worthy moments in the entire movie. It was a scene where I was hiding in a cabin with my movie family and we just discovered that the goblins were cannibalistic. My line in the clip (and this was the part Greg had pulled up) was: “He’s gonna gobble us up, I guess that’s why they’re called Goblins.” I cringe now thinking about it. I cringed then too.
Carla gasped. Then she laughed. Then she scribbled out her phone number on the napkin and tore it up. “No no no,” she said. She grabbed her book and her purse and she left.
“What the hell, man?” I shouted at Greg. She was going to give me her phone number.
“Well she didn’t,” Greg said. “And it looks like you owe me a paycheck.”
“Absolutely not. You interfered.”
“I said,” Greg was drunk. “I said that you couldn’t pick up any chicks. You weren’t being you when you were getting her number. I showed her who you are and she rejected you. I win.”
“Screw you,” I started to walk away but was interrupted by hipsters who heard the clip playing on the phone and recognized me.
“You’re the dude from Goblin Mountain King,” one said.
“Can we get your autograph?” The other asked.
I ignored them and walked back up to the bar to close my tab. The bartender asked if I was planning on driving my friend home, gesturing toward Greg. I said that he wasn’t my friend. He said that he wasn’t going to let him drive home, so I said that I would take him home.
Walking toward my Nissan, I asked Greg, “Aren’t your parents going to wonder where you are?”
“Naw,” he said. “They don’t give a shit. I can do anything I want.”
“You’re so cool,” I said and I opened the door for him. “You know I was like you at your age. I didn’t care what my parent’s thought either. I decided to go to film school despite what they wanted.”
Greg laughed that fake laugh again, “And how did that turn out?”
We sat in silence for a while. Occasionally Greg would say something trying to piss me off and I tried to ignore him but I was tempted to yell at him. I guess I figured this kid would learn on his own that he can’t act this way, and he probably wasn’t going to remember anything I had to say to him and if he did, he probably wouldn’t care what I have to say.
Eventually Greg opened up my glove compartment and he found my X-men comic book. “What is this,” he asked.
I said, “Please don’t touch that.” I snatched it from him, “You can make fun of me all you want, but please don’t touch that.”
“Is that a first edition X-men from the 80s?” He asked.
“Yeah, why do you care?”
“That’s so cool, where did you get that?”
“Are you making fun of me?”
“No.”
“You like comics?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I mean, I guess the old one’s are kinda cool.”
“Yeah?” I said, “This was actually the last in a collection I’ve been working on. I’ve got them all framed at my house.”
“That’s so cool.”
“You wanna see them?”
Most of the dialogue is well-written in the sense that character is communicated through the speech of each person in the story. I think that some of the over-the-top characteristics of Savannah and Greg work in a cool way in particular moments that are mostly toward the beginning of the story. Obviously, it is very funny and at times hilarious. I pay attention to the comedy because I have never been able to write comedy and I think it is often an underappreciated skill. I like his beer snobbery, dropping Atlanta and LA, etc. You mention in your author’s note a worry about action reading like exposition. I don’t see that being a problem. Also, it is really sad when he gets intercepted by the “hipsters” toward the end.
ReplyDeleteThe conversational, informal way of writing, (seen most clearly in the beginning,) gets in the way of affect in moments such as the bouncer saying “Go on in.” I mean that an adjusting of formal choices could add some impact to the significant parts of your story. So, we have this “nerd” character that has a serious problem with objectifying women. And we have the bigoted, masculine “jock” character that has the same problem. It makes sense and is interesting and could be a worthwhile thing to explore more in this story. I see disparate coexisting cultures represented in their visual symbol systems, (posters and confederate flag,) that clash vividly and end up both making bets over a human woman, seemingly later bonding after their mutual aims fail. Carla, though, is a very flat character. The character even says that the pool game goes as expected. Let’s see some things go not as expected. Let’s see Carla be very surprising in her agency and appreciations. With a character like Kyle, it is crucial that the narration skillfully ironizes his character, critiques him in an artful and effective way. The same goes for Aaron’s story. I think that Kyle constantly mentioning that he “cringes” later on might not be the best way for this. It is done with humor at some good and direct moments. Maybe some internal contradictions could do this work. One might say that in a film, Kyle’s mistaken ideas would be more apparent, but in prose it has to be an intentional stylistic effort, even in first person, the skeptical turn toward a narrator’s foundational assumptions. If you start to do this with some real development of Carla and maybe some more believable complication of Greg outside of his sudden appreciation for X-Men and just subtle twists in the writing of Kyle’s voice, you could really end up with a very interesting story. My ideas are really only one way to go, but those last suggestions are, I think, necessary for any successful revision. I will say that I am genuinely interested in the character of Kyle, what happens to him and how he changes, (how being an important word.) I look forward to some further looks at his life.
Also, for some A+ humor writing, though it is pretty different from your stuff, check out Harrison Scott Key. I think that he does a good job of criticizing his semi-fictionalized version of himself. I like this piece: http://www.oxfordamerican.org/magazine/item/221-fifty-shades-of-greyhound
Aww poor Kyle. Your writing is so funny and really enjoyable to read, but I do agree that it needs more to it. One thing that was strange to me was that he grabbed Carla's necklace and she didn't freak out about it. If some strange guy grabbed my necklace to look at it, you best believe I'm going to flip out. Other than that, I didn't get a creepy vibe from him. I just pity him. I also was curious as to why so many people know about this movie. And it also seemed as if Holly and Savannah are interested in him, but he wasn't giving them the time of day, although I couldn't remember how old Kyle was supposed to be. I like the idea of Greg and Kyle becoming friends though. I wanted to see more with that and kind of hint at them having similar interests before they bonded at the end. I also might change that Carla couldn't speak English. I wanted to see them have more of an interaction that the language barrier got in the way of. You could just make her an English speaking character who hadn't seen the movie (I feel as if a good number of girls haven't seen a movie called Goblin Mountain King) which wouldn't be that far fetched. I do like the idea of him being rejected over that though or having a girl who liked comics and Star Wars come back to his place to see his Han replica, which as crazy as it would be to buy something like that, I would think it was cool to see in person. But I think you have a great concept so far, it just needs a little bit of work!
ReplyDeleteI think your story had some funny moments and I appreciated those, especially the fact that he worked at Chicken King. I also got the vibe of this movie called Shenanigans from it. I agree with the comment that you get this vibe that savannah and holly are into your main character and for some reason he isn't given them the time of day. I also think that you just kind of overall need some more interaction. You have enough characters They just need some more substance.
ReplyDeleteChad,
ReplyDeleteThe first two lines of your story pull the reader right in. The first one starts the action, the second gives context and character. Your story then complicates the actions really well: going out with his coworkers means going out with Greg, who challenges his pride and creates the concrete conflict of competing to take a girl home. The steps continue, each one following reasonably from the other—they go out, he competes for Carla, competes with Greg, etc. You put to good use the strategy of subverting readers’ expectations and complicating the plot by, say, having Greg interfere instead of merely compete. You also pull a Chekhov’s gun with the comic book. All of this tied your plot together really well.
The story feels in several ways like a sitcom. I say this not as a bad thing, but to set a context for the ending. The sitcom vibe feels counter to Greg’s quick change in the end. I imagine, for his character and the overall tone of the story, that he would find comics cool and agree to go along with Kyle, but only by reassuring him that he’s still a loser and that it doesn’t mean they’re friends. (In fact, I could imagine Kyle responding in the same way, the dialogue becoming a joke in which they become friends while talking about how they aren’t.) However, I think, based on your current ending, you want something more intimate. To achieve this, I think you need to make Greg’s character more complex than the relatively narrow dick he currently is (not an insult to your writing—I felt like I’ve encountered his personality several times before). You could probably best do this by amping up his dislike of Priceville. This, maybe, can prompt some sort of earlier connection with Greg.
Lastly, I sort of hoped that Carla would find the Goblin Mountain King clip funny or cutely pathetic enough that she would give Kyle her number. Just an idea, though.
Here are a few notes I took you might find helpful:
Good complexity in Kyle enjoying the outside sweep.
You’ve toned down quantity of absurdity from the first story, but the quality is pumped up in the central deal between Greg and Kyle. I like this better. It feels real in a painfully immature way.
Two good moments sitcom-wise: “I was ready to find some ladies” & “So have you heard about ISIS?”
One thing I like about your character is his lack of self-awareness at some points in the story. For example, he casually mentions that the bar he goes to is “Nothing like the bars in Atlanta or LA” like he’s cosmopolitan enough to say this with the confidence he does. At other points though, he seems like he’s painfully aware of his own limitations, like with how meticulously he removes most traces of nerdiness from his house and car. He proclaims “I didn’t care what these people thought of me,” but doesn’t always behave like it.
ReplyDeleteSome of the characters, especially Greg and Savannah, seem pretty stereotypical. Give them unique or specific quirks that will distinguish them from the average small-town Southern stock character (with Greg this happens to some extent, but you could do it more.) One thing that threw me off was the indefinite point in time from which your protagonist is telling the story. It’s obviously from some distance, because there are recurring phrases like “Occasionally, though, and I believe it happened that night” and “in hindsight” which are distancing, but I’d like to know how the character changes through this story that allows him to have that hindsight that his actions were embarrassing or inappropriate.
I do agree with you that, unfortunately, the ending is kind of cheesy and unbelievable. How you want to revise it will depend on how you want your character to develop in this story (what the real heart of the story is.) At this point, we don’t know much more about him than we did at the end of the first story. The same routine (he has high hopes for something, someone finds out about his acting past, his hopes are dashed) gets repeated, but I’d like to see more growth since you chose to directly connect your stories by having the same protagonist.
First off I want to say great job on this story. You managed to fix most of the problem your first draft of your first story had. The concept has been done a lot but I think because of how you described your setting is what makes it so different and in that I feel like you could do so much more. I want more abou this bar. All I know is that it has a couple shady pool tables, some form of bar and well thats it. I as a reader don't get a sense of what else is in this place. The carved names in the seats was a nice tough but a lot of dive bars have that. Go for something unique about this place, something that is unsettling to Kyle.
ReplyDeleteYour dialogue was on point for the majority of the story. There were a lot of really funny scenes and line. My favorite was when Kyle was talking about trying to get laid. You talk about him being cringed at certain self-aware thoughts and I got cringed out at certain things he did. This idea of making the reader connect to Kyle by having response to things as him is good. I will say though that you fell into some unnatural dialogue again. My suggestion for revision is to go back over those parts. Have someone read aloud with you what the lines sound like from someone elses voice.
Lastly I feel as though the ending was wrapped up to perfectly. This story feels like a TV show with a mild cliff hanger suspense for an ending. Maybe you could add some scenes about Greg being a little nerdy but playing it off. I'd do something other than have him somehow know about first issues of comic books. I not saying cut that, it's interesting, keep it. All I'm saying is introduce the conversation way beforehand. Preferably in the beginning. Have him talk about the movies or something and Kyle overhears him but doesn't want to leave Carla.
Chad,
ReplyDeleteYour story indeed has some strong elements here like the humor that you communicate and your ability to make create tension and make me as a reader uncomfortable. I really like the relationships that you created with your characters and how realistic you are in creating a setting and everyone's role in that setting. I really appreciate the detail you have about Kyle's house, Chicken King, and even the bar. I can actually see these places and people in my mind, so great job with that. I'm glad you used the first person, because I think it works out well just how self aware Kyle is about his surroundings and life at that moment.
I like the direction you are going, but I do think their are some things that can strengthen your story here. First, I agree with Emma that some of your characters are too stereotypical and don't really have much depth. Greg is clearly an asshole, and I think you can keep him as the antagonist without making him 100% unlikable. I think realistically, even the people we hate still show some redeeming qualities. I did like the fact that Greg and Kyle had a bondoing-type moment at the end. If you can expand on that it can help Greg out as a character. I also think Savannah is too cliche and would like for her and Derek to be more well rounded. I like the scene in the bar with Carla, and I love the fact that she doesn't speak much English, which really gives Kyle a chance to win her over. I don't think that she would have been so quick to dismiss him and walk away just from seeing him in a clip from a stranger though. I think there would have to be a bigger/deeper reason for her not giving him the number. I think you can flesh that out a little more and it will help the story.
I like the story. It's clever and well thought out. The main character has certainly been flushed out from the first story. I also liked his co-workers. I think my favorite line in the story is when Savvanah said that she was Christian and couldn't drink. That tells so much about her. I wish that the others had lines like that. Some parts do need to be flushed out more. The bar looks just like a generic bar, I wish I saw something unique in it. The story is good though.
ReplyDeleteYour dialogue is hilarious. The characters are very well written, which is the most important aspect of storytelling, so good job. Where the story needs some revision/expansion is in the description. THe setting is, in a way, a character itself and needs just as much attention as the rest of the story. I would like to see some quirky description that matches the style of the dialogue. Some of the characters could be a bit more rounded, and description can definitely help there too. You can definitely go about that without ruining the pacing, because I think your pacing works well. Besides those things, I believe you have a very solid piece of work here, so kudos.
ReplyDeleteChad,
ReplyDeleteI really loved this story. It was funny and definitely gave me a better idea of Kyle's character since we saw him last. I absolutely loved how you described him putting on his New Balance shoes, and when he said he was "ready to find some ladies" I actually laughed out loud.
To make Kyle seem a little creepier, keep that same confidence in all of his interactions. To me, the creepiest guys are those that think they are doing everything right. Kyle seems insecure, especially when at the bar and in comparing himself to Greg. He doesn't need to be arrogant or cocky, like Greg, but give him some more confidence (maybe he doesn't tear down all his posters, etc.).
I like how you described the haze in the bar, but give us some more descriptions of the places he goes, even the fast food place he works at. The descriptions in the beginning when he was sweeping were really strong, keep doing that.
To show how Kyle was settling in to life in Priceville post-acting, maybe show what he does to fill his time. Now that he isn't looking up and preparing for auditions or taking improv classes, what does he do?
I apologize for this being so late. You weren't on the original schedule and I wasn't able to come to class last Tuesday, and this was the first opportunity I had to write my comment. Great job!