Griffin Holmes: Past

Author's Note: This story is based on my parent's meeting, with some fictionalized parts. I feel like it can be way, way expanded upon, but I like it for what it is: a tribute of sorts to my parents. I don't like all the description or the dialogue, but i hope that's what you guys will help me out with. Thanks for the feedback!

      “It should have been her.” Gin and tonic brought out the best and the worst in me. My sister knew exactly what I was doing. Every family gathering came around, and so did the regret. I would hide any issues when my father was around, but since he dropped dead out in the garage years ago, there was no reason to anymore. My sister and my mother tried to make the best out of this Christmas, and it was nice, but my mind was preoccupied.

            “Not this again. Come on, Jerry. What happened to the girl you met at church? I thought you two were going out?” Yes, I did go out with the church girl, and yes, the few dates we went on weren’t that agonizing. Then she took me back to her apartment to watch television. Star Wars was coming on, and she had never seen it. She was in for a treat, or so I thought. I sat on the couch in her living room, which was covered in the bright décor that defined the new-wave era. She had a poster of The Psychedelic Furs right above the couch, as opposed to a painting or a family portrait. She had been out of the room for a while, and I began to worry. I felt so painfully awkward, sitting there by myself in the living room of a girl’s house. I heard her coming back in, so I stopped worrying for about ten seconds. I looked back to the entrance to her bedroom, only to find her leaning on the door frame. She was naked, and was inviting me to come to her. To cut the details short, I left immediately.

Now, I’m sure you’re wondering why I didn’t, right? It wouldn’t have been a big deal, it would’ve been fun my friends might have told me. The girl was nice, and she was pretty. It just wasn’t her. She wasn’t the one.

            “It didn’t work out.” That was all that needed to be said. Regardless, Cheryl seemed disappointed. We used to be very close. We still were, but we used to as well. We grew only in frustration lately.

“Why do you keep doing this? You need to move on. You should also probably stay away from the alcohol closet.” She took the glass away from my hand. I tried to reach for it, but the time it took for my brain to process that demand and send it to my hand had increased tenfold.

“Let’s have a nice family Christmas.” I looked up at the top of the tree. There sat the little angel, leaning way over on her side. She looked like she was about to fall, but she somehow held on to that tiny little tree top without falling.

“Okay.”

The time that followed that conversation equaled a couple of weeks. Nothing of great importance happened. I continued living in solitude while I finished obtaining my engineering doctorate. I did the only thing I knew to do: I kept moving forward. Still, I thought about when I first began college. I made near-perfect grades, and very little mistakes, academically speaking. My greatest mistake was giving in to stress so easily. I needed to cut something out of my life so I could focus, so I let Shana go. By the time I came back around, someone else go her. I did a lot of searching for someone who had connected with me like she did. Obviously, that had worked out well up to this point.

I heard a quiet tap on my apartment door. I slouched out of bed and went straight to the door. The wonderful thing about efficiency apartments were that I didn’t have to reach far to do anything. I opened the door, and there stood Cheryl.

“Hey.” She had a big smile on her face. I smiled back. It was always nice to have company, especially someone nice like your sister. She was good at cheering me up, but I had no idea how far cheering up was going to go this time.

I made a pot of coffee and unfolded a little table and chairs that I had intended to use for company. We settled, and me being the host, started the conversation.

“So . . .  how’s your job?”

“It’s good. The kids are nice. There really isn’t a bad apple in the class this year.” She was referring to her first grade class. Twenty or so little rambunctious creatures, and you were in charge. I really didn’t know how she did it.

“Listen. You know that I keep in touch with Shana every now and again, right?”

“Of course. Why?”

“Well, after your little “episode” a few weeks back, I decided to give her a ring, and she and I talked. Look, I don’t want to get your hopes up to high or anything, Jerry, but when I last spoke to her, she had been going through a lot of issues with her husband.” I started to phase Cheryl out, but stopped myself. She hated when I stopped listening.

“She’s getting divorced, and maybe I shouldn’t have done this, considering it’s right on the tail of her divorce, but I asked her if she would be interested to talking to you.” She paused. Oh my God, why the hell did she pause? I think she wanted to see me transition from sorrow to hope. She used to tease me like this when we were younger.

“Don’t you dare play games, Cheryl.”

“I’m not, relax. I’m being dead serious. She wants to talk to you. She gave me her current house number. She told me that you can call her anytime between six and ten.”

She pulled out a piece of paper and slid it across the table to me. I just stared. I was very happy, but I was also terrified.

“Isn’t this what you wanted, Jerry?”

“Yeah.” It was, and now that the option was there I was unable to touch it. That little piece of paper. In my head, I heard the whistle sound when Charlie finds the golden ticket in Willie Wonka.

“I need to head out, but I thought you would like to have this. She sounded really excited when I suggested you two talk.”

“Thank you.” She got up to leave, but before I allowed her out the door, I gave her to biggest hug. She could be irritating sometimes, but she was the best at heart.

After she left, I had a burst of newfound energy. I got out my record player, and my copy of Out of the Blue by E.L.O. I placed the needle on “Sweet Talkin’ Woman.” I picked up everything around my little apartment. I wiped down the kitchen, folded the clean clothes, and tossed the dirty clothes into a hamper that I hardly ever used. I sang out loud along with the song. I switched the needle to “Mr. Blue Sky”, and washed some dishes. Once that was done, I looked over my apartment. I found myself looking back down at the table at the piece of paper with Shana’s number on it. I pulled one of the chairs out and sat down. I couldn’t even touch it. Not immediately, at least. Eventually I was able to slap my hand down on it, and flip it around, revealing the wonderful ten digits. It was a few hours before six, so I left the record going. I returned to the comfort of my bed, plopping on top of it. There I decided to stay, and I thought about everything from the past. I was thankful. As I closed my eyes, “Starlight” came on, and I drifted off, dreaming about that space where the sky becomes space, above the clouds. It was a nice dream, if I’m recalling it correctly.

I awoke, and it was nearly ten o’clock. I panicked, as I did not think I could handle another day of sitting around, waiting to have even a moment to speak with her. I collapsed out of bed and rushed for the table, which I ended up knocking over. It collapsed, folding itself in. The piece of paper was fluttering in the air. I attempted to snatch it a few times, but it kept weaving in and out of my grasp. I finally grabbed it, and darted for the phone. I picked it up, and took a deep breath so I could steady my fingers long enough to dial the proper numbers. The phone rang, several times. Finally, I heard someone pick up.

“Uh, hello?” It was Mr. Fuller, Shana’s father. I recognized the deep voice from the few times I had met him. He was nice, but intimidating as hell.

“Hi, Mr. Fuller, this is Jerry Helms. Can I speak to Shana?”

“Jerry, Jerry.” He seemed to be pondering whether he could put a face with my name or not.

“Ah, I remember you. Hold on, buddy.” Buddy? That was surprising. I heard him calling out in the background, followed by silence. A moment passed, and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get to talk to her. Finally, there was a sound of someone picking up.

“Jerry?” Holy shit, it was her. I was unable to form words for a second. I took a deep breath, very quickly, and pressed on. I wasn’t going to screw this up.

“Hey, Shana. How are you?”

“I’m doing okay. How about you?”

“I’m great. Really great.” I sat in silence for a moment, waiting for a response, only to realize I instigated the conversation, she was probably waiting for me to ask or say something.

“What are you doing tomorrow around lunchtime?”

“I’m not doing anything.”

“Want to meet up. You know, talk?” I was killing it, I thought in sarcasm.

“Yeah. Except my parents will be out, and I don’t have anyone to watch my children. Is it okay if I brought them along?”

“Of course, that’d be wonderful.”

“Where exactly?”

“Would it be really lousy if we just met up at McDonald’s downtown?” I was a bit low on cash at the moment. I felt so bad suggesting that, but it’s all I had. I sure as hell did not want to bring her and her kids into my tiny little apartment.

“Sure.”

“Okay, well, I’ll see you tomorrow at noon?”

“Sounds good. I look forward to it.”

“Well, I’ll see you then.”

“Okay.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

It was like we were going on our first date again. Awkward asking out and all. Except it wasn’t 1973, it was 1983. I laid in my bed, somewhat relieved that the phone call was over. I was excited, in fact. Why shouldn’t I have been? I had the opportunity to throw out my greatest mistake.  I closed my eyes, and went to sleep.

The next day came, and I scrambled to find the nicest looking clothes that I had. I ultimately decided on one of my church outfits, and headed out to McDonalds. The drive was nice, I even rolled the windows down. It was bright outside, but that was okay. It could have been raining, but we lucked out.

I got there early, because I always liked to be fashionably early. It gave me time to mentally prepare. So there I sat in the middle of McDonalds, in church clothes, waiting to meet up with the girl of my dreams. The entrance opened and closed several times, and each time I panicked. When she finally came through, I had been so angsty that it just didn’t even matter anymore. She was carrying her youngest, and the two other children followed behind her. She still looked lovely. The children, all blonde, shared a lot of the looks.

She grabbed a child seat for her youngest, and sat him in it. She sat down, and the other children followed.

“Hey.” She smiled. I could tell that this meant just as much to her as it did to me.

“Hello, Shana.”

“Kids, this is Mr. Jerry. Can you say hello?”

The oldest, a boy, reached his hand forward. I shook it, laughing. He had a demeanor that suggested he wanted to act older than he was.

“Hi, Mr. Jerry. My name is Drew.”

“Hello, buddy.”

The second, a girl, did not make eye contact. She did not look much younger than him.

“I’m Courtney.” She seemed very shy.

“Hi, Courtney.” She went and hid behind her brother. Shana put her hand on her youngest, who sat in a baby seat.

“This is Matthew, he can’t quite speak yet.” The child was very happy, bouncing around in his seat.

“Mom, can we go on the playground?”

“Sure, but come back in about ten minutes. Are you wearing your watch?”

“Yep!” Drew showed off his little blue watch.

“Okay, have fun.” Drew and Courtney ran off, leaving me with Shana and her infant child.

“So what have you been doing?” She seemed just as curious as I was about her life.

“I’m still working on my doctorate, and doing some side work here and there. I’ve just been taking my time, although I’m so close at this point, I might as well take on a heavy load next semester and get it out of the way. What about you, when did you finally graduate.” She looked down for a second, fidgeting with her hands.

“I didn’t.” She had sadness about her face. I could read so much pain just from that expression.

“It’s never too late to go back.”

“I know, but I have three kids now, it’s a bit of a balancing act. I get my parents to help out, but I can’t just dump the kids on them constantly.”

“What about their father?” She didn’t say anything for a while. She let out a deep breath that was from deep within.

“He’s not really involved. He and I aren’t on good terms, obviously, but even trying to talk to him right now is just so—“

She stopped, clenching her fists. She showed signs of frustration. We were heading in a direction in the conversation that I didn’t think we should go. I placed my hand on hers. She looked up, and smiled.

“It’s okay. We don’t need to go there.” I smiled at her. She smiled back, with her green eyes and blonde hair. She didn’t look any different.

“Let’s get some food.”

“Okay.” We got up and ordered. Happy meals for the kids, and a couple of hamburgers and a large plate of fries for us. When we settled back down, I did my best to direct the conversation in a positive direction.

“So Cheryl contacted you?”

“Yeah, we kept in touch after all this time. I don’t think she wanted to tell you because, well, you know.”

“Oh I know.”

“We talk every now and again. She’s a hoot.”

“You have no idea.”

“She called me up a while back and told me you wanted to catch up, and to be honest, I wanted to catch up too. I missed you.”

“So have I.” There was silence for a moment. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Shana, I need to be blunt. I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I was really stressed out and I wanted to focus on my schoolwork for a bit. I never meant for it to be permanent. When I heard that you were with him, it just kind of crushed me. I beat myself up every day that I wasn’t with you. I never found anyone that was who you are.”

“It’s okay. I know I was mad when you broke up with me. To be honest, though, you were being really responsible. We couldn’t just be together all the time and not focus on the steps that get us further down the path. Then I met Damon, and everything just fell into place so fast. I rushed into that, and it was such a bad idea. It is what it is, though.”

“Plus, you have some cute kids. Especially this guy.” I tickled Matthew, and he laughed. So did Shana.

It wasn’t long before the kids came back and we all sat together. Drew had a Star Wars toy that came with his happy meal, and he told me about his favorite characters. I tried my best to keep up, but he was so excited, he spoke at a speed that I don’t think anybody could have kept up with. Courtney kept to herself and played with a little Barbie doll that came with her happy meal. Shana and I ate our hamburgers and split our fries. It wasn’t the most elegant meal, but it was nice to have a “family” type of experience with Shana. After everyone was done, we got up to leave.

“Can I walk you and your kids to the car?”

“Sure.” Shana grabbed my hand.

On the way out of the entrance, Drew dropped his Star Wars action figure. Before he could pick it up, a stranger did, and gave it back to him. He wore a trench coat, and a fedora, an odd choice of clothing for this time of year. He stood back up and grinned at us.

“Drew, say thank you to the man.”

“Thank you.”

“You are most welcome, little one.” The man looked back at us. I can’t quite recall what he looked like. I just remember the smile being a very distinct feature.

“Your kids are very cute,” he said.

“Oh, well, they’re mine. Not his, though.” Shana was very quick to point that out, though I liked the idea of calling them my kids. It was something to work towards, hopefully.

“I’m sure the ones you will have will be just as cute.” The man walked away. What a strange comment. I also liked his implication though. We collected ourselves and left.

Outside, we made our way to Shana’s car. It was a black Buick that could’ve used some work.

“You know, I can fix the paint on your car, and anything else that might be wrong. I’m good with cars.”

“I bet you are. Kids, go ahead and get in the car, I’ll get in soon.” The kids got in the car.

“Oh, hold on.” She took Matthew around to the side door that opened up to a baby seat and placed him in. She shut it, and came back out to me.

“It was go seeing you.”

“Yeah, you too.” She gripped my hands.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” What happened next was probably not the best idea, but I was in the best moment of the best day of my life up to that point. I grabbed her and leaned her over, like the couple on the box cover of Gone with the Wind. I looked her right in the eyes, and told her exactly what I was thinking.

“Shana, I am never letting you go again.” I kissed her, for what seemed like a long time, but I know I couldn’t because her kids were waiting in the car, and were we in a McDonald’s parking lot. I brought her back up, and let her go, but only for a little while this time.

“I’ll see you soon.” She smiled at me and opened the car. Drew leaned out from the back seat.

“Mommy, you were right, he does look like Superman.” She told him to hush, and shut the door. She smiled at me once more, and pulled away. I stood and watch the car go away, then head to mine. As I walked back, I happened to look back inside the McDonald’s, and there sat that man in the trench coat. He was watching from his seat. He smiled, and nodded his head at me. You know, I was so happy in that moment, I really didn’t give a damn if he was watching. I nodded my head back at him, acknowledging him. I walked to my car, and thought about what I would tell Cheryl on the phone when I got home. I couldn’t believe what was happening, but I was very happy. I didn’t care about the past, or all the regret that came with it. I wanted a slice of what was next.