Author's Note:
The Scarlet Elderly
I had a hard time making this story seem exciting, I was almost getting bored writing it. I'm afraid I have too many insignificant characters, like the family members, and that it's too confusing for the reader to keep straight. One of the things I was going for with this story was the sense of family, and that not all families are as happy as they seem to be, and I don't think I accomplished that. I had planned on giving the main character a secret, but I couldn't come up with one, so if you have any ideas about what she could be hiding, please let me know. I usually don't write in third person, so that was a bit of a challenge to me. I didn't want the narrator to be too up close, to where we get a lot of insignificant detail, but I didn't want them to be too far away either. I also didn't pay a lot of attention to setting, so just take notice of the setting and point out where you think I could do more (or less). I think there's a lot of room in this story for development of all kinds, but I'm just not sure where to put it. I'm horrible with titles as well, so if you have any suggestions for that I would really appreciate it (this one was thought of late at night- my motivation was to title it something-anything-so I could go to bed). Thanks for the help!
The Scarlet Elderly
“Susie, no juice on the carpet,” Eddie
yelled at her granddaughter, who put her cup on the table without saying a word
and kept chasing the other two boys. They were American spies hunting down the
“kay-she-bee,” which meant they chased one another around the house making
explosive sounds with their mouths and shaping their hands to look like guns.
Eddie stirred her drink with the celery stalk and turned back to her friends.
“So, Eddie, where did you say Paige was
this morning?” asked Ruth. She was sitting across the table with her eyebrows
knit together, her glasses at the tip of her nose and her phone in front of her
face. Ruth’s oldest granddaughter insisted that she get a new phone for her
birthday last year and she still can barely use it.
“She went with Brooke and Kristen to
finish making the name tags and pick up everyone’s dresses for the rehearsal
dinner.” Eddie picked up her Bloody Mary and took a sip. The top of the celery
pushed against her glasses.
“Did Brooke decide to keep that awful pink
dress? It looked like a salmon threw up on it,” Constance said, laughing. Ruth
raised her eyes from the screen and looked over her glasses at Eddie and
Constance. Constance regarded herself as an expert on everything. “I mean, the
mother of the bride shouldn’t be wearing such an undignified color.” She
adjusted her pearl necklace around her collar.
“Yes, she did keep the dress,” said
Eddie, putting her drink down on the table, “and I thought it looked very nice
on her.”
Constance paused, almost as if she was
waiting for a laugh, and when Eddie didn’t reply she said, “Well, I suppose
since she’s so young she can pull it off.”
Eddie’s daughter, Brooke, had gotten
pregnant when she was a freshman in college. She had Kristen at nineteen, making
Eddie a grandmother at forty-five. Eddie had Brooke when she was only twenty-three,
but she had been married for two years and it was a different time. Now Kristen
seemed to be following in their footsteps by getting married at twenty. She had
been dating the boy, Tom, for two years, but she couldn’t help feeling like
they were making a mistake. That, along with other things, kept her awake at
night.
In the back of the house one of the boys
screamed as he was shot down by Susie.
“So,” Ruth said, putting down her phone
and leaning in towards the others, “Eddie, how is Stan doing? He hasn’t been
home the past few times I’ve been over.” Poor Ruth. In trying to run
interference she accidentally redirected the conversation to the last place
Eddie wanted it to go.
“Oh, he’s doing fine,” she answered,
“been playing golf a lot.” She twisted her wedding ring. In truth, Eddie had no
idea how her husband was doing. She liked to imagine that he was distraught
without her, a complete mess, but in reality she knew he was probably having
the time of his life. It had been three weeks since he abruptly left her. She
came home from the pharmacy and found him packing his suitcase upstairs on the
bed. He sat her down and explained that he was leaving her, that he had found
someone else to spend what little of his life he had left with. He had been
distant the past few months, sure, but she thought it was just a product of
stress due to their son. He said he needed more adventure, that he wanted to
make his last years memorable, and staying home with her every night just
wasn’t going to cut it anymore. “I’ll always love you, but I need to be happy,”
is what he said to her as he zipped up the suitcase. She tried to argue with
him, said that they could plan more trips and go into the capital more often,
but his mind was made up. He kissed her on the forehead and then walked out the
door.
Almost as much as she wished he hadn’t
left, she wished he had waited a little longer. Their oldest granddaughter,
Kristen, was getting married in one week. She hadn’t told the family, and she
didn’t want to, since she was convinced that Stan was just having a late-in-life
crisis and would be back in no time.
It wasn’t until the next week that she
learned he had moved in with Kayla, the young widow next door. She was thirty-five
years old, though she looked to still be in her twenties. Eddie had been
putting up a new set of curtains when she saw them through the window in the
kitchen next door. Kayla was standing at the stove and Stanley came up from behind
and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her on the cheek. She’s made sure her
curtains on that side of the house have been closed ever since.
“Robert hasn’t mentioned seeing him at
the club,” said Constance.
“I guess they’re just missing each other then,”
said Eddie.
Susie and the boys, Walter and Stephen,
came running into the kitchen, wanting a snack. Eddie breathed a sigh of relief
and got up to fix Susie an apple with peanut butter, while Ruth and Constance
searched through their bags. Ruth gave Walter gummy snacks and Constance gave
Stephen a package of gluten free, organic goldfish. Eddie made a note to give
him real food the next time he was over.
Eddie turned on the TV and put on a
program about a yellow sponge for them to watch, then sat back down at the
table.
Constance leaned in over her drink and
said, “Have you heard about Marge’s granddaughter?” She said it in a whisper,
even though there was no one to overhear her. Ruth and Eddie shook their heads.
“Martha told Susan, who told me, that she’s pregnant.”
“Oh, poor Marge,” said Ruth. “How
embarrassing for her.”
“I haven’t seen her at Wednesday service
or bible study since the news got out,” said Constance, smiling.
“I haven’t seen Marge in a long time,”
said Eddie. “Is her granddaughter—what’s her name, Ellie?—going to keep the
baby?”
“Well that’s because you haven’t been to
church in such a long time, Eddie,” said Constance, completely ignoring her
Eddie’s question, which she felt was of much more importance. “You can’t expect
to see everyone if you don’t show up.”
It was comments like these that made Eddie
try to avoid Constance. If only their grandchildren weren’t friends, she might
never have to talk to her. “I’ve been busy, Constance you know that.”
“Right, with the wedding and all. And I’m
sure dealing with Tyler has been exhausting, unless he’s overcome those drugs
problems?” Constance asked, knowing full well Eddie’s son, Tyler, who had been
in and out of jail and been addicted to a variety of substances, had not
overcome any of his problems. Honestly, Eddie didn’t consider herself to be
very religious, though since she was getting on in her years (“matured,” as she
liked to say), she figured she probably should be. And in light of the recent familial
problems, she hadn’t felt like giving thanks.
Slapping her hand down on the table,
Constance said, “Why don’t you come with me Sunday morning? You’ll be able to
see everyone and catch up.”
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to, I’m
meeting with Kristen to go over the seating chart one more time—”
“Jesus would make time for you,” she
said.
Eddie knew she had no excuse good enough
to trump that, and she wasn’t supposed to help go over the seating chart until
dinnertime, so she sighed and said, “Sure, Constance. I’ll meet you there in the
morning,” and drank the rest of her Bloody Mary in one swift gulp.
Eddie grabbed her purse and headed to the
front door. As she was grabbing her keys from the table next to the door, she
noticed someone standing in the yard next door. She moved back the sheer
curtain and saw that it was Stanley. He was watering the flowers by Kayla’s
mailbox. She looked at her own flowerbed, where the pansies he used to fondly
take care of were wilting. They had only spoken once after he moved out. She
had seen him cleaning the leaves out of Kayla’s pool form upstairs, and climbed
on a stepping stool so she could yell to him over the fence. She told him that
it was time for this stunt to be over, that it was time for him to come home.
He insisted that he was never coming back, that while he loved her he was
happier with Kayla. When she came outside in a bikini, Eddie gave up and went
back inside. She cried herself to sleep that night.
But this time she was determined. She opened
the door and marched across the lawn, not bothering to lock the door.
“Stan,” she called out. He looked back,
his eyebrows rising in surprise when he saw her.
“Hello, Eddie,” he said, looking towards
the door, “Do you need something?”
“I don’t know what you think you are
doing, but it is time for this to be over,” she said.
He slowly shook his head, “Eddie, I don’t
think you understand—”
“No, Stanley. You don’t understand. You
made vows to me when we got married. For better or worse, remember? Now you get
your ass back inside that house and we will forget all about this.”
“Edna,” he said, putting his hand on her
shoulder. “I’m sorry, but no. I’ve thought about this for months—”
“Months?” she said. She threw his hand
off of her shoulder. “You’ve been seeing her for months?”
“Well, a little over a year, actually,” he
said.
He opened his mouth to continue talking,
but Eddie cut him off, slapping him in the face. “You do not speak a word of
this to our children until after the wedding, do you understand me? I will not
let you ruin both my life and our granddaughter’s wedding in the same week.”
Stanley held his hand to his cheek, not
saying a word. Eddie walked a few feet back to her house but then turned back,
“And that woman is not permitted to be there. So help me, Stanley, if you bring
her…” She shook her head and continued back across the laws, getting into her
car.
She drove around the corner and pulled
over so she could cry.
Eddie drove a little closer than
necessary to the car in front of her, willing them to go faster. It was 9:45
and she was still five minutes away from the church. Constance would never let
it go if she showed up late. She would nag her about being on time every time
they made plans in the future. She couldn’t even come up with a last-minute
excuse to get out of it, since she had forgotten her phone at home. Constance
would never forgive her for simply not showing up, and while Eddie would
probably be happier with less of Constance in her life, she was unavoidable.
She parked at 9:53 and breathed a
sigh of relief. Dreading the next hour, she sat in her car for a minute. Constance
knocked on the window, making Eddie jump in surprise. Before she could roll
down the window or get out of the car, Constance yelled, “I’m going to go
inside, don’t want to be late! I’ll save you a seat!” and quickly walked away
and into the church, cutting through the grassy median that separated Eddie’s
car from the building.
Annoyed, Eddie pulled out her car
keys and threw them in her purse. She got out of the car and started walking up
the small hill of the median when she realized she forgot to lock the car. She stopped
and fished the keys out of her purse, looking over her shoulder to make sure
the lights flashed as she hit the button. She took a step forward, turning her
head back around, and got hit in the face by a branch on a tree didn’t see
before. Scared, she threw her hands up and jerked back, but her footing on the
small hill wasn’t stable, and she fell backwards over the curb into the parking
lot. She yelled and threw her arm out to break the fall, hearing a sound like a
tree branch snapping.
She lay on the ground for a minute,
processing what had just happened, her heart racing. She didn’t move, but
consciously checked each part of her body for pain. If she had a broken hip she
didn’t just want to hop right back up. She really hoped she didn’t have a
broken hip, what an old lady injury. She vowed never to make fun of the old
women on the Life Alert commercials again. No, it seemed that only her arm was
injured. Embarrassed, she slowly got back up, grabbing onto the car next to her
for support with her other hand, hoping no one saw her. She instinctively bent
her right arm and held it in her left, against her chest. Maybe it isn’t
broken, she thought. Maybe it’s just a really bad bruise or sprain. She could
probably still go to church. Constance already knew she was here, and she
didn’t want to have to explain why she left. She took a deep breath, her heart
starting to return to its normal rate.
There were plenty of people still in the
parking lot, rushing in to the church. Parents with small children, trying to
corral them through the doors, young couples, and even some of her friends. She
waved at a couple she knew from across the parking lot. How did no one see her
fall? Surely someone saw or heard her cry out.
The bells next to the sanctuary started
ringing, signaling the start of the service. Well, she was officially late, and
her arm had only gotten more painful. As her granddaughter would say, screw
this. She located her keys on the ground, picked up her purse with her left
hand and got in the car. Buckling the seatbelt proved to be too difficult, so
she didn’t bother, and drove away listening to her car chastise her for
breaking the law.
She decided to drive straight to the
emergency room, because it was already ten o’clock and god knows that the later
you show up at the ER the longer you have to wait. She wasn’t sure if she was
more annoyed with herself for falling and breaking her arm or for forgetting
her cell phone.
Eddie definitely had a broken arm. Well,
technically it was only fractured, but it didn’t make much difference, she
still had to wear a cast. The doctor said she was lucky for having only
suffered a fracture, and even luckier that it wasn’t her hip. She was going to
have to come back to get her arm casted after the swelling went down. She
picked out blue, because they were out of the pink and tie-dye wouldn’t match
her dress for the wedding, though she knew that’s what Susie would have wanted
her to pick. She would have to wear it for five weeks, maybe longer.
She was sitting up on the edge of her
hospital bed. They were supposed to come back with a prescription for pain
medicine before she could leave. She was hoping the pills weren’t too big, like
the ones they gave her earlier, since she had a hard time swallowing pills to
begin with. But they probably would be.
There was a knock on the door. “Come in,”
she said, eager. When she saw Stanley follow the nurse into the room she
couldn’t have been more disappointed.
“What is he doing here?” she asked, pointing
at him.
“We automatically call a person’s
emergency contact when they are sixty-five years or older and they arrive at
the hospital alone,” she said, stepping back and shutting the door. As if her
day couldn’t get any worse, and she wasn’t embarrassed enough, now she had to
see her husband (ex-husband?).
“I’m surprised you actually came,” she
said to him. “I would have thought you’d be too busy with your new lover.”
“Of course I came,” he said, still
standing by the door.
“It sure did take you long enough. I’ve
only been here three hours.” She picked at the pills coming off of the sheets
with her uninjured hand. Stanley didn’t say anything.
“Well? What were you doing? What took you
so long?”
Stanley looked at the ceiling tiles and
said, “I was at brunch with Kayla and I left my cell phone at home. I came as
soon as I got the message.”
Eddie took a deep breath. “Don’t you dare
say that woman’s name to me.” Stanley didn’t react. “Get out,” she said. When
Stanley still didn’t move she got down from the bed and said it again, “Get out,”
pointing towards the door. Stanley left without a word.
The next few days passed without much
incident. Plans for the wedding were on track, and she went back to get her
cast put on without a problem. Tyler, her son, however, called her in the
middle of the night three days before the wedding. Against her better judgment,
but for fear that something was wrong, she answered the phone. Then again,
something was always wrong with Tyler.
“Mom,” he said, “Why didn’t you fly me in
for the wedding? Do you not love me that much?”
“You know why you weren’t invited to the
wedding, Tyler. It’s for reasons like this,” she said, sighing. There would be
alcohol at the reception, and though Kristen had offered to keep it dry, they
couldn’t control Tyler, even when he was at home.
“Do you remember when I was ten years old
and you spanked me for punching Brooke?”
Eddie sighed. She knew she shouldn’t have
answered the phone. “Yes, Tyler, I remember. You gave her a black eye.”
“That is so not the point, Mom. I was
only ten years old. Ten fucking years old. I didn’t know any better. You did
though; you answered violence with violence. You were the adult!”
“Tyler, honey, are you drunk? You need to
go to bed.”
“That’s always what you think, isn’t it?
Well fuck you, Mom.”
“Tyler—”
“Maybe you should take away my phone if
you don’t want me calling you. Maybe you shouldn’t have spanked me as a child
if you didn’t want me to turn out like this. It’s all your fault, it’s all your
fault I’m so messed up,” he said, screaming into the phone. That was one of
Eddie’s biggest fears, that she had in fact drove her son to this point in his
life, drunkenly calling them in the middle of the night. He knew it, which is
why he said it. She could feel her eyes starting to water as she hung up.
He called and left voicemails three more
times before she answered again, alternating between her cell phone and the
house phone.
“What the fuck, Mom? You better fucking
answer the phone when I call you, you cunt.”
“Tyler honey, your dad wants to talk to you.
Call his cell phone,” she said, and hung up.
Let
Kayla enjoy that part of her husband’s life, she thought. She probably should
have felt guilty for pawning over their screaming son to him at such a late
hour, but she didn’t. She turned her cell phone off and unplugged the house
phone, then lay in bed for another hour before she fell back to sleep.
The day of the wedding was hectic,
as was to be expected. Kristen was nervous, and she made Brooke redo her makeup
three times before she was satisfied. Eddie remembered her own wedding day,
when she similarly made the hairdresser redo her hair twice. She let her
daughters and granddaughter bond and took care of Susie, who was the flower
girl. Tom’s nephew, the ring bearer, got sick the night before and wasn’t able
to make it. Unfortunately for Eddie, Constance’s grandson, Stephen, took his
place. It was Susie’s idea. He threw a fit until his bow tie was perfectly
straight, and Constance had to retie it four times until it was good
enough.
When it came time for the ceremony,
Eddie took her seat next to Stanley without saying a word. She would have
rather pretended that he did not exist, but they had to keep up appearances.
“You look lovely,” he said. She
ignored him.
As the preacher pronounced Kristen
and Tom husband and wife, Eddie couldn’t help but smile, even when she met
Stan’s gaze; she was so happy for her granddaughter. They took pictures between
the ceremony and reception and Eddie had to hide her cast behind Stan’s back.
They were seated next to each other at a table with Tom’s grandparent’s at the
reception, and they laughed and told jokes at all the appropriate moments,
though they avoided each other’s gaze as much as possible.
When it was time for the couple’s
first dance they stood up and walked to the dance floor, watching as they were
expected to. Brooke and her boyfriend, Joe, joined in, and so did Tom’s
parents. Eddie was surprised when Stan took her by the waist and led her onto
the dance floor, but she tried to hide it. While they danced, it was hard for
Eddie to stay angry. She felt transported back to their own wedding. They were
so young and in love then; it was the happiest day of her life.
A large part of her hoped that
during this dance Stan would realize his true love for her. They would dance
the whole night long, and they would go home. Instead of going next door with
that trollop, he would come home with her and hold her hand as they fell
asleep.
But, of course, that did not happen.
They finished the dance and she went
back to her table. She drank three glasses of wine while he danced with Susie,
and when he went to smoke a cigar with the men in the wedding party, she
switched to liquor. Since she rode with Paige this morning she had to leave at
the same time as Stan. They said their goodbyes to everyone and she called a
cab. They arrived home at the same time, except he walked up to Kayla’s house,
opening the door with a key. She went back to her empty house full of pictures
that told lies, and went to sleep, laying on top of the covers and not
bothering to change.
I want to commend you for choosing an unlikely narrator–very few people (including me) really branch out with narrators different from themselves, and I think you did that quite well. I like how unwilling Eddie is to accept the conventions of her age and the behavior expected of her because of it. We think all the time of teenagers struggling to align themselves with societal norms, but the interest of that conflict is rarely extended to older people. I especially liked the moments that Eddie figures she “should” be religious due to her age, and when she derides her broken arm due to the fall with “what an old lady injury.” I think you could play up that aspect of the story, especially with the wedding, which could evoke Eddie’s memories of youth and young adulthood. The very concept of the story–that an older man leaves his wife only to move next door–is darkly humorous and kind of bizarre, and the moments of the bizarre emerge at certain points, like when they are yelling at each other over Kayla’s fence. I would play up that bizarre aspect even more.
ReplyDeleteConstance feels the slightest bit overdone, especially in the moment when she convinces Eddie to go to church by saying “Jesus would make time for you,” and in the initial conversation between the three older women, when the conversation turns to church. I do like the imperious and religious older lady character, but if you pull back a little bit, I think she’ll seem much more realistic. It would be also interesting and characterizing of Eddie to see what she wished she could say to Constance vs. what is “polite” and “age appropriate.”
I was a bit confused about Tyler’s age; from the intensity of his anger towards Eddie in their conversation, Tyler seems like a teenager. I think the conflict with Tyler needs to emerge at more than one point in the story. You could develop how differing parenting styles between Eddie and Stan in dealing with Tyler caused them to grow apart, or how the family dynamic with both of their children was affected by his actions, or something like that.
In your author’s note, you said you were concerned that you had too many characters; I agree that there are a lot of names flying around to keep track of, but I wasn’t too confused. For simplicity, I think the opening conversation could easily be revised to be only between Eddie and Constance. I like the final image of the story, of Eddie falling asleep alone, with her wedding clothes on, though the ending felt a bit inconclusive.
I liked the story so far. You had a lot of interesting details in it and I think it will be a great story. I do agree that maybe there were too many characters in it (I did the same thing in mine too), but maybe cut the children playing in the beginning. I didn't feel like it did much for the story, but I liked the conversation between Eddie and Constance.
ReplyDeleteI think the dialogue with Tyler on the phone was a little melodramatic to me. Just because of all of the cuss words and some of the things he said didn't seem very natural to me. Like "do you not love me that much?" seemed a little strange. I know he was drunk, but it just didn't sound natural to me. But I liked that story line and I think you should go a little further with that. Maybe have him show up to the wedding anyway and ruin it? Or maybe have them work it out. I'm not saying end with a happy ending, but maybe give more of an ending at the end. I liked how she ended up on the bed alone because it was realistic, but I feel like more needed to happen with the story. You could possibly bring out her going to church without her husband and everyone talking about it. I know of a woman in a rich southern town who is separated from her husband, but they still go to church every Sunday together so people won't talk about it. Maybe you could work something off of that. But I really enjoyed the story so far and can't wait to see what you do with it!
There are some good details in the first scene that show a little of who these people are in an effective way, such as the celery and the activities of the children and the dialogue of the older women, which I think is mostly great. The confrontation in the front law between Eddie and Stanley was funny and sad. Eddie’s behavior in this scene is believable, and Stanley’s is confusing in very intriguing way that I would like to see more of. I did like the idea of this man leaving so abruptly at such an old age and ending up one house down the road. I thought that some of the details in the wedding scene accomplished a lot. Eddie and Stanley look at each other and smile despite their estrangement, and they dance, raising Eddie’s hopes, only to let her down.
ReplyDeleteSome of the material toward the beginning gets too close to cliché grandmother stuff. The comment about “real food,” the blatant gossiping, and the self-righteous church talk, could all be skimmed and written a little differently to give these women, (and particularly Eddie,) even more distinguished characteristics than they already have. I think that the husband moving in next door could work so well if its tragicomic or almost surreal elements were exploited. In a strictly realist story, it feels very out of place. The brief moment of Eddie yelling through the window exhibits this potential best, I think. Little moments like that, and her falling with no one noticing, could collaborate to develop this weirdly victimizing universe around the character. The phone call with Tyler started out very good, and has a lot of potential, I think. It is the right decision to have him be verbally aggressive and even over-the-top, but his speech could be tweaked to sharpen who he is and the problems that he has with Eddie, as related to this memory of him getting spanked.
Jenny,
ReplyDeleteYour story seems focused in a very good way. The relationship between Eddie and Stan is strong, and I think it is what you mean for your story/plot to center on. A worry I have about this, though, is that you open with the scene of Eddie’s friends and the children, none of whom play a major role in the story, surely nothing as important as Stan’s. It also seems like the point of the opening scene is to introduce Stan and the dwindling relationship. Yet because the scene is not directly about Stan and the relationship, it suggests that the story will pay much closer attention to Eddie’s friends and the children than it does. Consider opening with a scene of Eddie and Stan, perhaps the first confrontation on the stool that is mentioned in exposition later.
Starting in scene with Stan will also allow readers to intuit Eddie’s distress and Stan’s stolidity. Currently, the dialogue and exposition introducing Stan felt oddly unemotional. I would expect for anyone in Eddie’s position to react way more strongly. How can she just allow Stan to live across the street? How is she not indignant and knocking on their door and filing for divorce or plotting Kayla’s assassination? I know that’s a bit strong, but you get the idea. Scenes will create emotion your exposition currently lacks.
I like how you end your story. Overturning Eddie’s hopes and forcing her to move on feels very, well, real. The ending currently feels inconclusive because of what I mentioned in the first two paragraphs, but I think it will feel satisfying if you focus the story more on Eddie and Stan’s relationship.
Lastly, there seems to be a discrepancy or a twenty year jump I can’t find. Eddie is initially forty-five or forty-six with a daughter about to be married; later, she is above sixty five (unless this was a joke) with a granddaughter about to get married. If you intended this, I can’t find the transition of time.
There were a lot of characters to keep up with, yes, but with careful reading, I never felt too lost or confused.
ReplyDeleteI like this story a lot and the idea of every family member having flaws (some more obvious than others) despite their attempt to maintain the illusion of a happy family, and this comes through nicely, especially in scenes like the first one where Eddie says that her husband is good, he's just been playing a lot of golf lately, but she really has no idea where he is and things are far from good. This type of irony works great.
One thing I would change is shifting the POV back to first person, from Eddie's point of view. You mentioned in the Author's note that you were more comfortable with first person but that you wanted to try this because you didn't want the reader to have that first-person intimacy with Eddie, but I think the story can benefit from seeing it from her eyes since the story largely focuses on her issues.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteJenny, you wrote a great story, extremely sad, but great story. I kept waiting for Eddie to slap Stanley and when it finally came, it was so satisfying. You do a great job of developing your characters. To me it felt like I could perfectly picture all of the main characters and for the minor characters, the few lines you gave for them, like for instance saying Stephen would do anything until his bow tie was fixed, things like that solidified those little characters. I do wish I had a few more lines to distinguish the relations of everyone in the beginning because it felt kind of hectic. I think the third person is working well. If you want you could take us into the minds of some of the other people in the story to make it more interesting. Like for instance, while I think the character Stanley is an asshole, you could take us into his mind and have him talk about his emotional struggle or talk about there not being one. Things like that. I like you dialogue is on point and I don't see the need for the character having a secret. Unless you want this secret to be prominent in the next two stories I'd say leave it out. But overall, loved the story and I can't wait to see what what you write next.
ReplyDelete